I was chatting with a man the other day who said that throughout his childhood his dad would say that he wasn’t his father and wanted nothing to do with him. It was all a lie but a very cruel lie as it left him with deep-rooted shame and the belief that he had defrauded his way into life and wasn’t meant to be. The stigma of illegitimacy had gone so deep that it almost crippled him, despite the fact that it wasn’t true.
This conversation and sensing that man’s pain led to me thinking a lot about illegitimacy and the core of shame it creates, especially if one’s parents or significant people speak or act in a rejecting, belittling way throughout our formative years.
But who am I to write on illegitimacy? I was born within marriage. I was a planned for baby, so what would I know of the pain of not being recognised as having a rightful claim on life? Or of believing that my place in the world is questionable?
And yet, like many of us, despite being conceived and born legitimately, I have grown up with the distinct feeling of not being an acceptable part of the family. I know my parents wanted a boy so maybe that’s the cause. I was told once that because I had a serious illness when very young, that my mum and dad decided not to have further children and so lost their dream of having a son. Whether that contributed I don’t know, but for whatever reason, I saw myself as a misfit, an imposter in the family. I felt I didn’t belong and didn’t have the same rights. I believed in the core of my being, that I should not have been born and when my stepfather came along, those feelings were reinforced by his constant shouting that I was rubbish and unlovable.
If I grew up with such feelings and buried beliefs despite being legitimate, how much deeper that pain must go for those born illegitimately and made to carry that stigma of shame? It’s a pain hidden behind closed doors. We may smile and be the centre of the crowd and yet behind that air of confidence the insidious voice will whisper: ’you don’t belong;’ ‘you’re not meant to be here.’ ‘you were unplanned, unwanted, a mistake.’ ‘You have no rights.’
But I am discovering an amazing truth, that whatever those whispers say and even if they are rooted in the hard facts of illegitimacy, yet I was always planned for by God. Yes I’ll say that again: I, and all of us, were always planned for and wanted by God. In His eyes none of us are a mistake. That is incredible for was it not He who created marriage so that every child would grow up with a father and mother? But God’s plan and redemptive love go so much further. I found several verses including this one in Ephesians 1:4 ‘For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight.’
I was chosen. I was thought about right from the beginning of time. Before anything else was made or even thought of, He took away all my shame and made me holy and blameless. As I read that word blameless it feels like a key is slipping into a lock that’s been barred for as long as I can remember. It breaks it open, destroying the stigma of illegitimacy and unwantedness. It cuts through the lie of being a fraud and imposter. Other verses make this truth even more specific and personal: He created us to be His precious children, knowing our names and all that we would become. Weaving us together in our mother’s wombs….Creating us, delighting in us, choosing us.
These truths are revolutionary and despite writing them into my books I am still processing their full meaning. The fact that God chose me, Tracy to be His own, has the power to pierce the darkest places within my soul with hope and joy.
I belong inside God’s heart. My place in the centre of His love was assured from the beginning of time. In His eyes none of us were ever a disappointment, unplanned, unwanted or illegitimate. Rather, we were made to be His sons and daughters and His love blots out all the mistakes, sinful actions and crippling lies that any of us ever experienced. Even more startling, Jesus blood, shed for all on the cross, was a legal transaction. Jesus who was literally born illegitimately, took the stigma and shame from me by dying in my place. Jesus provides the legal status for us to know without any doubt, ‘I am a legitimate child of the living God, part of His family and everlastingly loved.’
These truths may take time to process but are full of dynamic, healing power. I pray that just as they are transforming my own inner shame to the joy of being me, Tracy, that they will so transform yours too.
Tracy
