I said goodbye to my mum this week. After a month of feeling the sadness of her death, I was faced with seeing a polished wooden coffin covered in flowers and a lovely photo. Was that mum? Was she really in that coffin? How could that be?
The time in the service arrived for the immediate family to stand in reflection, touch the coffin in farewell and say goodbye. We lingered there for a few minutes and tears did come. But there had to be that clear moment of choosing to step away, to pass through the door out of the chapel and leaving the coffin behind. In this life, we could do no more for mum. We needed to say goodbye.
I have left mum’s home so many times when ending a visit and returning to my own. Each time I’ve said goodbye, I’ve waved to her and said, ‘Bye Mum, love you, I’ll see you again soon.’ In the deepest part of my spirit I know that is as true eternally as it was on those visits. I will see her again. I do believe she found Jesus love right at the end and has gone home to be with Him. There is joy to come which I can step into a glimpse of now as I look forward to that day of reunion.
But in another way, there needs to be a true goodbye. Sometimes the biggest steps feel the most unreal, but just as I chose to step away from the coffin and go through the chapel door to where everyone was waiting, I need to choose to let mum go, to be at peace with her passing and most significantly, to let go of the old order of being ‘Mum’s daughter.’ I need to let go of that old identity and all that it contained, so as to step more into being me, Tracy, God’s daughter, sister and bride.
I’m realising as I walk this path of loss, that in my heart, I’ve always walked as ‘daughter wanting mum’s approval.’ I need to say goodbye to that heart held thread and lie and let it go. My life did not just come about because of my mum and dad’s genes, but because I was part of God’s amazing plan. I need to say goodbye to all longing for things that mum couldn’t give, and simply be thankful for what she could give which was real and true. I need to say goodbye to every sense of shame that I didn’t match up, because matching up was never God’s plan for me.
I need to say goodbye to striving to be a good daughter and accept that I am unconditionally loved. I need to say goodbye to every ‘if only’ and accept the wonder of God’s never-ending stream of love and forgiveness.
I don’t have to say goodbye to grief, mourning, tears and sadness for they are all a vital part of this journey. I miss and loved mum and always will. BUT we will meet again and for every tear or heaviness of heart, there is the light of hope, the silver lining round the darkest cloud.
I may have said goodbye to mum as she was, but our love will always be there even more so now, because of saying goodbye to the harder things and knowing they are covered by Jesus precious blood and gift of peace.
I touch the coffin
I say ‘goodbye’
I turn to leave and pass through the door.
And say ‘hello’ to new.
Tracy
